I’ve been thinking the last few weeks about something. And the thoughts always get louder in my head after I’ve spent time with my young nieces or friends with little ones.
What if I’m only “ok” with letting go of my infertility struggle because (unlikely as ever… but) it’s still possible that I could get pregnant. What happens to my zen state when my womanhood enters the phase in life where I couldn’t have children, even if I had been able to conceive previously? Edit
Am I delaying the ultimate downfall of my sanity by admiting defeat now and trying to be ok with things, or will I really be ok, even as my body becomes unable to sustain life within its womb? I’m confused. And concerned that all of the progress I’ve made will come back to haunt me in 10-15 years time.
I’m trying so hard to accept my life as it is. And I’m making it sound harder than it is because I really do feel happy for the most part. I have so much to be thankful for. And despite all the heartache, Adam and I are strong and dedicated to making our life a happy and fulfilled one. I have my mom and dad. Adams parents are super supportive.
Yet… I feel twinges of pain when I think too much on things. I try very hard not to focus on them. I am trying to be an optimist. I’m living a positive life. Sure, life gets you down, but you get to choose how you respond to it. My mom has taught me a great deal – positivity being one of them. In every bad/ sad/ negative event, a positive one can be found. And really, what’s the alternative? To wallow in self pity for life not going the way you planned? What a waste. Truly.
But yet I still worry that the full reality of this outlook of mine, accepting our infertility, is going to blow up in my face eventually.
Beautiful readers, please tell me it’s ok in the end.